news flash

Wow. i remember being so excited telling my dad all the 'cool places' i could work out here - a toy company, etc.

I totally got spoiled - with such a negative mindset that 'someone was going to do something for me' - how horrible. I was much better off thinking I can do all this stuff on my own and dont NEED anyones help. otherwise i am just stuck? i dont think so.

feel good

Ok so Claudia yesterday suggested:

Low brain frequenzy (candida causing brain fog- no duh)

Lots of fungi, candida, but mostly MOLD

Spleen blockage (from neck injury? spine)

Adrenals messed up from vaccine as child

Liver, kidneys low frequency

Need to:

Get blocker from Ebay for computer

Lick up salt on empty stomach - to become alkaline

*Holy Tea* 8oz a day - start with just 4oz (could cause diarrhea)

Hemp oil (for essential fatty acids - i think?)

Dr.Mason started me on:

MOLD killer (FC-Cidal) Start today

3 other candida killers

pooped

Man, I just feel pooped. I am anxious to talk to this dr.mason and tell her I increased my dosage to 2 grains. Cowan says I could be hyper or hypo. All I know is that I feel dizzy, WAY tired, not sharp, legs feel jiggly, joint pain, nauseous - and sick of feeling like this! I want to get back to work! I just cant concentrate. I worry about my lack of enthusiasm to others. I worry that I am taking too many drugs (diflucan) (iron) (thyroid) (cal/mag) (D) Its gotten out of control. I really don't know who to believe. There is always a counter for everything you take or eat. I am just feeling fat, feeling smelly down there, feeling like I am spending an awful lot of money and I just want to feel clear and happy.

I'm ready to give up on it all and just take nothing! I just worry since I have already started down this road... I cant turn back now.

Next step - adrenals, different anti-fungal. and TIME.

Please god, give me back some energy. Have been doing GAPS for 9-10 months. Also need to stop eating out of plastic.

I just feel so freaking depressed. V was here yesterday. They just seem to have their life together and seem so cool and know about everything, music, news, politics, travel, jobs. I KNOW I was just as good as him, but just feel like Ive 'lost my passion' - I mean, its been lost a long time. I just want to feel like im GOOD at something. But not to prove anything to anybody, i want to do it for myself. But, really? isnt art for other people? Not for yourself? Trying to impress other people? I hate feeling like im stuggling for attention. I just want it to come naturally. But when I have been doing NOTHING interesting --- that leads to a boring person. I just feel SO boring, uninteresting, uncool. I feel like I have no life and like I am going nowhere. I know this is just a bad mood -- but I just want to be interesting and passionate --- thats what coffee used to do to me. God, thats what I want back. Why do I have to have this stupid adrenal fatigue and stupid thyroid shit and candida shit? I just want a normal life. I just want a great relationship thats stable, I want to be passionate about that, I want to get married and have babies. But I dont want to do these things because I want them. I want to be with someone that I feel would support me no matter what, someone that gets me and someone that would be a great dad to my baby. Actually I should want to have OUR baby, not MY baby.

Things could be worse --- I just feel like things could be better too. and that if I just had a little more gumption - things would be better. I just wish I wasnt such a pansy.

I cant believe the ambition I used to have and the drive. And I ended up where I get no creative freedom at all. But the thing is I dont really want to be doing outside design work. I feel past my prime and out of the loop. Where did my love go? Did it go to the search of a relationship? Is it mother nature in me -- wanting to bear children that left career go by the wayside?