I just feel so freaking depressed. V was here yesterday. They just seem to have their life together and seem so cool and know about everything, music, news, politics, travel, jobs. I KNOW I was just as good as him, but just feel like Ive 'lost my passion' - I mean, its been lost a long time. I just want to feel like im GOOD at something. But not to prove anything to anybody, i want to do it for myself. But, really? isnt art for other people? Not for yourself? Trying to impress other people? I hate feeling like im stuggling for attention. I just want it to come naturally. But when I have been doing NOTHING interesting --- that leads to a boring person. I just feel SO boring, uninteresting, uncool. I feel like I have no life and like I am going nowhere. I know this is just a bad mood -- but I just want to be interesting and passionate --- thats what coffee used to do to me. God, thats what I want back. Why do I have to have this stupid adrenal fatigue and stupid thyroid shit and candida shit? I just want a normal life. I just want a great relationship thats stable, I want to be passionate about that, I want to get married and have babies. But I dont want to do these things because I want them. I want to be with someone that I feel would support me no matter what, someone that gets me and someone that would be a great dad to my baby. Actually I should want to have OUR baby, not MY baby.

Things could be worse --- I just feel like things could be better too. and that if I just had a little more gumption - things would be better. I just wish I wasnt such a pansy.

I cant believe the ambition I used to have and the drive. And I ended up where I get no creative freedom at all. But the thing is I dont really want to be doing outside design work. I feel past my prime and out of the loop. Where did my love go? Did it go to the search of a relationship? Is it mother nature in me -- wanting to bear children that left career go by the wayside?