Dan

OK... so I am pissed every time I hear from him. What is he doing? I know he has to 'regroup' and regain strength. And I get that.. I wish so bad I could spend some time just 'healing'. But I have to work. I guess I just feel so stapped to my job that I am jealous that he can 'just leave'. PLUS, I feel lonely and its sad that he was the biggest thing that made me happy and feel normal and functional out here. I am trying to be happy for him, but its not coming naturally. What IS coming naturally is that I feel like he is lazy, immature and not my ideal mate. But I am lonely. Not a good reason to be with someone. I keep making excuses to myself that 'things will get better'. But he is just not very business savvy. Do I just drag this on? Or do I just go it alone? I'm in such a weird place. I have felt on the fence about him for so long. I guess I need to get myself back. Do I go back to Ohio? Is that really gonna make me feel better? I need health insurance. And I need a job that I can handle right now, not too stressful. I am hurt and mad that he left. I feel alone and sad. I know I can 'make it' and I will be 'fine', but its still hard not having someone to do little stuff with. Funny, I don't even care about the sex at all right now. I hate being in this weird grey area. I need to get myself feeling better. A)get into shape B) resume/portfolio C) Alyssa/girls/Elden D) haircut? E)Being productive. I still don't feel really 'ready' to be in a relationship. And I don't know how to 'be' towards Dan. I hold a lot of mixed emotions.